That Moment When Family 'Helpfully' Compares Your Child

Two mindset shifts that saved my Easter (and might save yours too)

Apr 18, 2025

It is again holiday time this season and many of us, myself included, travel to family for Easter.

This time I am visiting my family back in Poland.

I am happy to see my kids learn more about Easter traditions in my home country, spend wonderful time with their grandparents and polish up their Polish (pun intended).

I had a different topic in mind for this week, but my train of thought derailed, as it often is, due to a tiny little comment made by my dad.

When Comparisons Creep In

While we were talking, I (needlessly maybe) started to wonder how my older daughter's Polish compares to her peers in Poland.

You shouldn't compare your kids with others, I know, but I don't have any benchmark as we often interact with multilinguals and I know more monolingual Swiss kids than I know Polish ones.

To my question my dad replied that at the age of 5 my cousin's son was already starting to read. I said that Hanna is only 4 and you don't know how she will be in a year.

She already knows most big letters and we read to her daily — she has solid foundation that would allow her to move to start reading at an appropriate age.

But he just said that for sure she won't be because there is just no way, and the conversation ended there — no point to argue when you are faced with this level of certainty.

In the past he often expressed misguided beliefs about raising our daughters, so he might be wrong. He might also be right, but a 5 year old not being able to read is also not a tragedy.

It always takes me a while to process feedback about my parenting — especially about languages, because for us 3 out of 4 of those languages are a necessity.

How to deal with family concerns

After thinking about it for a while and it lead me to 2 takeaways that I intend to make into my parenting ‘mantra’.

Don't let those comments stay in your head and subconsciously guide your behaviours and decisions. Don't put pressure on yourself to prove them wrong, because the results will often turn out to be the opposite of what you intended.

Don't put pressure on your child to perform as well in each language they are exposed to at the same level as their monolingual peers. Of course they will know fewer words in each language, and of course they will make more mistakes. But it is unrealistic to expect otherwise. And don't forget it is their journey, their reality and in the end the only thing you can do is to support them the best you can.

I hope your family is supportive, but I am sure from time to time you encounter ‘helpful’ comments — don’t let it into taking a U-turn.

Your Turn

📊 Quick Poll: How do you handle comparisons between your multilingual child and monolingual peers?

💭 Reflection:

What comment from family has stuck with you the longest about your child's language development?
How do you respond when someone compares your child to monolingual peers?
What strategies help you stay confident in your multilingual parenting approach during family gatherings?
How do you explain your multilingual journey to relatives who may not understand it?

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Do you have any tips on how to deal with family comments?

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